Real talk time! This post is part of our ongoing journey through Reciprocal IVF. If you’re researching sperm donors, we hope this gives you some insight and reassurance. Please check out the rest of our blog for more fertility tips/stories if interested!
One of the biggest decisions in our Reciprocal IVF journey…
Choosing a sperm donor is arguably the biggest decision you’ll make during a Reciprocal IVF journey.
Yes, this person is technically “just a donor”, but let’s be real: they’ll make up 50% of your child’s genetic DNA. That’s a pretty major thing.
Everyone has their own priorities when it comes to picking a donor, and that’s exactly how it should be. If we all looked for the same qualities, the world would be a very boring place.
But, on the off chance it helps someone else in a similar situation, here’s what mattered most to us when making that decision…
Donor ID Profile – Known or Unknown?
First things first, we knew we wanted a Known ID donor.
This means that if our child ever wants to, they’ll be able to contact the sperm bank when they turn 18 and access identifying information about their donor.
This felt important to us. We wanted to leave that door open for them, so they’d always have the choice.
Physical Characteristics
As the non-bio mum, we hoped to find a donor who physically resembled Melissa.
So we narrowed our search to donors with brown hair, blue eyes, and fair skin — features that aligned most closely with hers.
It was our way of helping create a sense of visual connection between us all.
Environmental Conditions
We were drawn to Scandinavian donors, and not just for the similar aesthetics.
Scandinavian countries tend to have high standards of healthcare, education, and environmental quality, and those factors really appealed to us when thinking long term about genetic health and wellbeing.
Health Background & Education
Next, we took a close look at the donor’s personal and family medical history.
We wanted someone who appeared to be in good health and came from a background with minimal potential genetic concerns .
We also considered the donor’s educational history. Education is something we both value, so we hoped to find a donor who had also shown commitment to learning and development.
Emotional Intelligence, Interests & Personality
This is where it got a bit deeper.
We were able to access the donor’s emotional intelligence scores, and we specifically looked for qualities like empathy, self-awareness, and emotional regulation. These are values we try to model in our own lives and hoped could be mirrored genetically too.
We also took note of the donor’s hobbies and interests. One of the things that made us smile? He listed table tennis(which I used to play) and yoga (which Melissa’s been wanting to start). It felt like a small, fun coincidence and added a little spark of connection.
The Letter
Finally, and honestly most powerfully, we read the donor’s handwritten letter.
At our chosen sperm bank, every donor is asked to write a letter to any future offspring. Ours was heartfelt and simple. He wrote:
“I hope any children born from my donation are well cared for and above all else, happy. Because happiness should always be the thing we strive for in life.”
That line really stuck with us. It was gentle, honest, and aligned with how we try to live our lives too. After reading his words, we both just knew we’d found our donor.
Did You Know…?
Did you know you can access this much detail about your donor when going through a sperm bank?From emotional scores to baby photos, education levels to handwritten letters, it’s honestly fascinating and something we didn’t realise until we were knee-deep in the process.
Final Thoughts
Choosing a donor was emotional, surreal, exciting and at times a little overwhelming. But knowing what mattered most to us helped guide every step.If you’re in the same boat, take your time. Talk it through. There’s no perfect formula, just the path that feels right for you. And if you’ve got any questions or want to know more about how it works, feel free to drop us a message. We’re always happy to chat about the real stuff.
P.S Find out more about our prenatal vitamins that helped in our journey HERE!